Finding The Perfect One

Perfect, who is perfect? The world says I have found the perfect one, one who is perfect for me, but the question that always begs an answer is “Is there one person that is perfect for the other?” Maybe one needs to define what perfect is as an adjective and as a verb. Let’s begin with perfect as an adjective “having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.” Now,  imagine your perfect one in line with this definition. Ok! someone is asking what an adjective is? An adjective is a word you use to describe a person, place, or thing, and in this context, we are describing the perfect person. Before we delve into the discussion of finding the perfect one, let’s consider perfect as a verb, “a verb is a word used to describe an action, state, or occurrence.” So, perfect as a verb would then be defined as “making (something) completely free from faults or defects, or as close to such a condition as possible.”

Now that we know what perfect means as an adjective and verb, we will explore the possibility of finding the perfect one with these definitions in mind.

For as long as I live,  I am yet to see a person who is perfect and another who can be made perfect by their partner. In our pursuit to find love, we tend to seek to find someone that is already made perfect or if we find that they are not what we want, we have this belief that we can make them perfect. I have found that very fallatic and misleading. Generally, in life, there is no human being whom you will find perfect to suit your desires, especially because when you meet this person they carry a lot of imperfections, which for as long as they have lived they have assumed that this is how they are supposed to be. Their social environment, through socialization, determines how they view themselves and others. They accept their frailties as normal which you may find very abnormal, and inexcusable in your expectation of a perfect person. So your first interaction with an already made person instead of wanting the perfect one, brace yourself for imperfections that you might have to live with or you may need to adjust your level of expectation.

The other side of perfect is the notion of making something or someone to be completely free of faults. Here, I have discovered over the years that one cannot make another perfect. So are we delusional in believing that we can make our partners perfect for us? I am sorry, but there is no such thing as making your partner perfect for you. My reasoning is based on the fact that our realities may not be the same, that coupled with our backgrounds as earlier stated make it difficult or impossible to do that. People are not clay or dough that can be changed into a particular shape to suit our definition of perfect. There are underlying factors that make it impossible for another individual to change another, these include but are not limited to; differences in upbringing, habits that take years to form and some may take a lifetime to change and our difference is our brand offering. So again, perfection whether an adjective or verb, cannot be attained in our human form.

I believe what we should invest our time in doing as partners in this journey of life and love is to be tolerant of each other. Here are a couple of points I ask we should consider in dealing with the quagmire of love and relationships.

  1. First, no one is born perfect and no one can be made perfect by their families, friends, and partners. When we are born, by virtue of where we are born and the family we are born into, we are different. This difference might present itself as imperfections. In a family where both parents are fully present and loving, the children may have different socialization compared to those either raised by a single parent or other family members and they just need to survive.
  1. Second, perfection is a fallacy, what we should be seeking is to walk the journey together, adjust our expectations and reach a compromise. If one of us realizes that there are adjustments they need to make in this journey they should be given the right to self-determination. Once they realize they need to change then they will change, but cannot be changed.
  1. Third, let us live a life of complementing one another. Where the other is weak, be strong for them, do not live a life of exposing their weakness but endeavor to cover their weakness.
  1. Fourth, in life, we seek to ensure that our imperfections are only exposed to the one person who is willing to be imperfect for us. The journey is long, we have enough time to lift each other up and forge a way to love one another. We should know that someday life will be perfect as we will know that the one I thought was perfect is willing to be imperfect and never make me uncomfortable in my imperfection.

In essence, if you live your life looking for the perfect one you will live your life alone. Human beings are born imperfect, raised by imperfect people in imperfect societies that have their own cultures, traditions, and imperfect rules and regulations. So, bear with me when I am constantly trying to meet your standards and I fail, I am just an imperfect human trying to be perfect for you. As earlier stated, there is no perfect one, but two imperfect individuals can develop a beautiful journey of love by embracing that they are imperfect and most of all that they are in love. As the Apostle Peter said in 1 Peter 4:8, “Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.”

When My Biggest Cheerleaders Are No Longer on the Stands

These past couple of weeks, maybe months, I have been playing without my biggest cheerleaders in the stands. A mother and father can assure you of their love and confidence in you, but there are other people who wear your team colors and matter to you. Collectively, these are one’s biggest cheerleaders. Sports fanatics will attest to this truth that even if your team loses an away game when they play on their home ground there is this belief that they gain momentum to turn things around and win the game, this is known as the “home ground advantage.” Put simply, it describes the advantage that a home team is said to obtain over the visiting team. Recently, I found myself playing at home but when I looked in the stands, I realized that my biggest cheerleaders were no longer there. I became complicit with the lie I often told myself; that I do not need feedback or cheering on, but in my subconscious mind, I have always known that there was someone in those stands cheering for me and willing me to succeed. My biggest cheerleaders were not loud, but by silently being present, giving me that reassuring gaze, that affirming “go on we are with you” always made me want to push for the best.

I have discovered that the saddest thing one can experience is going at it alone. Not being able to get feedback or cheers from the people you love the most; truly hurts. Over the previous months, I noticed my cheerleaders attending my life’s biggest game without donning the team colors. I found comfort in that at least they were in the stands carefully watching the game. I consoled myself by saying “it’s their presence that matters”, but deep inside I was broken. Because although they were in the stands, they were no longer wearing the team colors, as if preemptively shadowing what was to come. When I got hurt on the field, the expression of concern and anguish was no longer visible on their faces. Instead, it seems they were agreeing with the rest of the spectators that I should be substituted. Though the injury was not of my own doing, I was suddenly on the floor reeling in pain, and when I looked around, my cheerleaders didn’t seem moved nor concerned. Rather they agreed that I should be removed from the field of play, but even when I was being removed by stretcher off the field, I looked for them. I looked to get some comfort that things would be all right, but their posture remained the same as if to say; “he deserves it.”

Whilst I labored on the sidelines to regain match fitness to get back on the field of play, my cheerleaders did not bother to come and check on me. I waited, hoping to see their faces and get some assurance that things will be all right, but they were nowhere to be seen.  My hope was anchored on this; that when I am at least back on the field of play, I may catch by some stroke of luck a glimpse of them. Eventually, the coach decided to give me additional time in the field of play, and when I returned my biggest cheerleaders were no longer in the stands. When I got hurt my cheerleaders were there; although not wearing the team colors, they were present and that gave me hope. Now, here I am with renewed fitness, additional play time, and eagerness to give the best display of my life so I can get back into the good graces of my cheerleaders. However, my cheerleaders are no longer in the stands; I guess they have given up hope.

How can there possibly be any hope for me, when my biggest cheerleaders have long left the stands?

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